Sometimes growing means accepting that you won’t always get an apology. You won’t always get the fair end of the stick or your self-acclaimed and well deserved justice. I mean you can move on, apologize on behalf of the offender, and create an excuse for what they did. But to simply accept that you’ll never get an apology and still be fine with it, (especially somebody like me that God is still delivering from pettiness) is a different level of maturity. A level of maturity I had to reach if I was going to keep growing and not let my circumstances keep me down.
Now around this time last year, I had a decision to make. I had been offended by someone so dear to me at the time, and this person didn’t know. And because of this, I had to live like nothing was happening as I wasn’t ready to confront the person or the situation. But this act over time was doing me more harm than good because I found myself suffering silently and creating a thousand and one scenarios that the situation could have played out in my favor. The circumstances at the time wasn’t favorable for discussing it because I had bigger fish to fry so I was left with two options; speak up about it and give up the peace of mind you have right now to continue taking it one day at a time or forgive the person without their knowledge and move on. As tempting as the first option was, I couldn’t let the latter happen.
So I decided to embark on a journey of forgiveness all by myself. You see when someone apologizes to you, you have the opportunity of engaging in a dialogue (I mean if you aren’t ratchet) which allows you to get more information, understanding, and further room to process your thoughts. In this case, you have a chance to voice out how you feel and get it off your chest. But forgiving someone without an apology means you have to do all this by yourself. (Yes, including engaging in a dialogue; don’t worry, you’re not insane).
Every information or understanding you would get would have to come from understanding who you are. You wouldn’t have to forgive the person because you understand them or what they did but because of who you are and what you believe in. This is because no matter how understanding the situation was or looks like that caused the offence; it doesn’t stop you from hurting. Being around the person could be compared to someone rubbing pepper in my eyes because I just couldn’t stand the sight of this individual. This allowed me to further understand the kind of person I was. I realized with time that I don’t believe that there are bad people; I do believe people can make bad choices so the person being bad was out of the way.
It takes two or more people being involved in a situation to create room for offence (unless of course, someone is mad); so I had to ask myself difficult questions. Was there something I did that created room for this? Could I have acted better prior to this issue? Was I also a good friend to this person? Most importantly, how was my relationship with God during those times? Was it in line with what He says? Every day in our lives, we make choices good or bad. As a Christian, I can offend God and sin against Him. Yet He still continues to love me whether I apologize or not. He forgiving me doesn’t mean He doesn’t test me or test my faith to see the level of my maturity but it doesn’t change the fact that He does.
Wanting an apology you feel you rightfully deserve is not a problem, hinging your growth on it, is what is toxic and as hard as this choice is, you’re occasionally going to have to make it when it takes a toll on your emotions. It takes a strong person to forgive but an even stronger person to forgive without an apology; I want to use this medium to apologize on behalf of whoever has hurt you that you’re yet to forgive or finding it hard to but you deserve the peace that comes with knowing yourself more because of it. You deserve the upgrade in growth level that allows you see life from a better perspective. You deserve a better you every chance you get.